Not a Martyr

What does Christ say about lonliness? Where in Scripture does He teach you how to cope with the very real feelings of being alone? Let's be honest: I'm talking about relationships here. I'm talking about the fact that I try to play God all the time. What order are my priorities in anyway?

I need to talk about this...from the perspective of what He's doing in me.

Over the course of two years, I have watched most of my friends (even aquaintences) get engaged or married, and, heaven forbid, have children! Unless I'm watching my life pass before my eyes, something looks wrong. It looks like I'm either far too ambitious in developing a career, too intimidating to be approached, or there's something wrong with my personality or physique. But are these the only three options? Maybe there's something stringing deeper in my life, and maybe I'm just one of those people who either psychoanalyzes everything too much or I'm trying to force things to happen.

And those who know me best know that if I try to MAKE things happen, I'm the most miserable person in the world and so far fallen from God's purpose!

I know I'm no martyr for not being in a relationship. After all, it's only been a year. Some people I know have been without a relationship for years and years and years. So, who am I to complain? Well, I'm a human, created in the relational image of God and one who longs to share life in a Christ-centered relationship with another person who loves Jesus! Therefore, what I feel is real!

What can I learn from my present state?

No one person in the world loves me like Christ Jesus. This is the year I fall completely into a trusting relationship with Him. I want to know HIM like none other! I want my life to mirror His love for people and live like fighter constantly on my knees! I'm not wife material right now. I don't even know if I'm girlfriend-savvy. :) But I am a daughter of the King, and I'm created with a very specific purpose in the world. If that's to be the best career-woman, homemakes, mother, missionary, or follower of Christ, then I'm committed to that job!

This life is such a blip in the eternity I know I'm going to spend with my Creator. I smile because every day I wake up is another day to honor Him, not to mourn about whether or not I have a boyfriend...let alone treat each day like I have to make myself available.

I'm available to Jesus until He says otherwise!

Me. God. And Chris Daughtry.

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
As long as I’m laughing with you
All that still matters is love ever after you
After the life we’ve been through
Cause I know there’s no life after you

These words, sung by the ever-so-sexy voice of Chris Daughtry, caught my attention as I was minding my own business in Tony’s Gym today. Why would that be? Was it just his gruff, masculine, husky voice melodiously warming its way into my heart or was it really the words themselves? I listened harder the second time around. Yes, those words called me to think about my reality. A reality which I try not think about very often. Indeed, I have recently recruited an accountability partner to keep this reality in check.

If one takes a closer look at these lyrics, they are simple. clear. concise. (very much like those psychology papers I always pushed the boundaries on!) Anyway, sometimes, more than I’d like to admit, I am tempted to think about the past and how it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was just too demanding, too proud, too selfish, too expectant, too “perfect in my own image.” Maybe I was the one making life too hard and I pushed everyone away because I thought they didn’t measure up. But what was I measuring them against? My own standards were rather low. Sometimes I fall for Satan’s deceptive voice whispering that I was laughing and happy 2 and 3 years ago because I had companionship. I have to remind myself it was not as glamorous as I dreamily thought.

Love is not all that matters in a life that was not directed by Christ or centered on His will. How can I go back and think that when all is said and done, love will still reign? Life, especially one filled with joy and laughter, is one blessed by Jesus and the protection of the Holy Spirit. There IS life for me. I do not have to live with the guilt of the past three years, nor do I have to pretend it was good and I was better off then than I am now. That is not true. The way I conduct myself now is so much different than it was. I can tell a major change in the way I talk and laugh and express emotion. It’s genuine. The worry and strain, and constant agony I experienced even eight months ago are gone. I am free to smile. to love. to enjoy people. to share my gifts. To be the true person God created! So…

Thank you, Chris Daughtry for your alluring, enchanting voice which dances with my heart [I am listening to you now!]. Thank you for making me take a second look at my reality and appreciating significant change. And thanks for not leaving me hanging on the radio station…despite the fact that Lady Gaga gets underserved airtime!